about me

[August 2015]

Name: call me Alaska
age: 19
Height: 1,65 cm
Weight: 90 kg
goal: 45 kg
eye colour: hazel
hair colour: brown

My story...
I will start with my childhood.
When I was about three years old, my dad was addicted to alcohol. So he often was very aggressive. Because of this aggressivity he punched my mom and me. He just broke my bones sometimes and punched my mother until she passed out.
This was really bad. But my other stayed by my father because she didn't want me to raise up without a father. But one day it was enough. We got our own flat and left this life behind.
Now a days my father sometime visits me, but we aren't very close. He stopped drinking.  He doesn't pay for me although he have to and my mom's money isn't really enough.
There's not much more to say about him.
Now to my Mother.
She is a perfectionist. She always wanted me to be perfect.  I nearly was, but never enough.My aunt says, I was a good educated dog. I always did what my mother said. On the outside she pretended to be the perfect motherbut when we were alone she wasn't. She
punched me. But even worse were her attacks on my psych. She always told me I would never be good enough. That was bad.
I went to a kindergarden just as every other normal child did. But my time there wasn't normal. I never had friends.  No one. Even in Elementary School I had no one to talk to. Thiswas caused of my high IQ experts say. I always wanted to be accepted. But they started with mobbing and my situation got worse.
As I was ten years I went to High school, where my situation got a bit better. I had maybe one or two friends who changed often because I couldn't have a stable emotional friendship. In eight class, I think, I was sexually abused. I don't want to say more about this but it was just like hell.  I didn't tell anyone until now. About one year be for this I started cutting. It was deeper and deeper andeeverything got worse. In this year I tried to kill myself for about three oder four times. They stuck me into a psychiatric clinic. It didn't help but yeah. After this someone controlled my scars every week. So I couldn't cut anymore. But everything around me didn't get better. So I started eating. I ate and ate and ate. My mothercalled my fat, so I ate even more. And that is the point. I'm tired of gaining weight and getting uglier. So I have to do something and this seems like the only way.
I deal with depression and suicide thoughts too but I hope it will get better when I like my body and my weight.

Have you ever...
[x] been drunk?
[x] passed out?
[X] smoked a cigarette?
[x] did drugs?
[x] cut you hair yourself?
[x] kissed a stranger?
[x] hugged a stranger?
[ ] cheated on someone?
[x] lied to your parents?
[x] lied to your teachers?
[x] danced with a stranger?
[x] been in a bar?
[x] been thrown out of a bar?
[ ] drove a car?
[x] been not eating one day?
[x] been not sleeping one day?
[x] broke into a house?
[ ] been suspended
[x] been send to the director's?
[x] got a letter to your parents?
[x] drank liquor?
[ ] asked a stranger to buy you alcohol?
[x ] been called a slut?
[x] walked without shoes?
[x] walked an hour outside for no reason?
[x] done something illegal?
[x] done an IQ test?
[x] been to a concert?
[x] let someone think you were 18?
[  ] seen a star?
[x] slept in class?
[x] rolled a joint?
[x] been watching someone rolling a joint?
[x] ran away?
[x] set something on fire?
[x] dyed your hair?
[ ] played golf?
[x] called the police?
[ ] been arrested?
[ ] tried to pierce yourself?
[x] been on an airplane?
[x] eaten sushi?
[ ] surfed?
[x] sung under the shower?
[ ] kissed a fish?
[x] sat on a roof?
[x] climbed a tree?
[x] forgot someone's name?
[x] been cheated on?
[x] loved someone who didn't love you?


People...
[ ] ask,  if I am anorexic
[X] call me fat
[ ] say I'm too thin
[x ] say I'm ugly
[x] say I'm pretty
[ ] say I eat to much
[  ] wish I would eat more
[x] don't know I got an eating disorder

I wish...
[x] ...I was thin
[x] ...I had a better body
[x] ...I didn't have to eat
[x] ...I could control myself
[x] ...I would weigh under 80 pound
[x] ...I was pretty
[ ] ...I could stop my eating disorder

Ich love
[x ] ...being hungry
[x]... to see the difference when I lose weight
[  ] ... shaking hands
[x] ...to feel light
[x] ... loosing weight
[ ] ...having an ED
[x]...Green tea
[ ] ...diet pills
[x] ...saying no to food
[x] ...being proud of myself

Aussehen
[ ] I'm smaller than 1,65
[X] I think I'm ugly
[x] I've got some scars
[x] I'm pierced

Relationship
[x] I'm single
[  ] I'm taken
[ ] I'm married
[x] I miss someone
[x] I'm afraid of being left
[ ] I cheated on my partner
[ ] I got a divorce
[x] I loved someone who didn't love me
[ ] I said "I love you."
[ ] I told someone I didn't love him, although I did.
[x ] I was "the other woman"

Sexuality
[ ] I loved someone the same gender
[x] I loved a teacher
[x] I love cuddling
[ ] I kissed someone in rain

Bad things
[x] I drunk alcohol
[X ] I drink regularly alcohol
[ ] I can't swallow pills
[x] I can swallow many pills without water
[x] I tried to kill myself
[x] I've got an ED
[x] I slept 24 hours, although I wasn't tired
[x] I hurt myself
[x] I lost weight
[x] I gained weight
[ ] I'm on my highest weight right now
[x] I'm jealous of people who are skinnier than me
[ ] I love compliments
[x] After eating I'm depressed
[x] I skipped a meal
[ ] I threw food away
[x] I spit food out
[ ] I fasted
[x] I took diet pills
[ ] I took laxative
[x] I threw up

I took
[x] Canabis
[x] cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Sleeping pills
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] magic mushrooms
[x] Speed
[x] Kokain
[x ] other